The Best I Ever Had
by Duosgrl
Summary: A 1X2/1X?/2X5. Duo and Heero aren't getting along too well...
1. Default Chapter

Best I Ever Had  
A Duo POV FIC  
  
  
  
The lyrics to "Best I Ever Had" have been rattling around in my head since I bought the CD last year. It has always seemed to be a good premise for an angsty sad 1X2 fic. I am not using them in the fic because they seemed to clutter it up. I will post them after the final chapter.   
  
Standard Disclaimers apply. I own no rights to any trademarks to anything owned by Sunrise, Bandai or Vertical Horizon.  
  
Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, Angst, at least some lime if not outright lemon (hey! It's me writing!) Though it will come in much later......  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Today has to be the worst day of my life. The Maxwell Church Massacre, all the soldiers and civilians killed during the two latest wars, all the nights spent running on the streets of L2, pale in comparison. I have lost the man I love and he took our children with him. I lost my heart. Normally, people say that when they fall in love. I did. This morning I lost it again when Heero left and took our two boys with him.  
  
So here I sit surrounded by the remnants of my shattered life. The house feels dead to me. Before today it was filled with light and laughter and love. At least, I thought it was. Now I sit in darkness and wonder why. I never knew Heero wasn't as happy as I was. Why am I surprised? He has always been able to keep the deepest part of himself hidden from me. Even after 10 years of being together, he never felt safe enough to trust me with his whole self. I was so in love I didn't stop and consider what that meant. I should have but no one ever said love is smart.  
  
I catch myself staring into space and remembering. I can still see the day Heero first told me he loved me.  
We were celebrating the end of the Eve war. We both were drunk of course. Drunk from victory, liquor and love. He looked so cute lying with his head on my lap, blinking to focus his eyes on my face above him. Then he spoke the three words that changed my life forever.   
  
The scene changes to the day we brought our boys home. Heero was so proud. He was so taken with both of them. He gave up his job to become a stay-at-home parent. Who would have thought? He was the one to get up for midnight feedings, sit up all night rocking away a fever, spending time in their classrooms as a helper. I was almost jealous.  
  
The scene before my mind changes again. Heero is standing in front of me in our bedroom. The boys are asleep down the hall and he says he needs to tell me something.  
  
  
  
~~  
Flashback  
  
"Duo, I have something to tell you. Sit down."  
  
"What's up? Little Kai break another girl's heart again or did Angelo blow up the science lab?"  
  
"Duo! This is serious. Can't you be serious for once in your life?"  
  
"Why? Life's more fun this way!"  
  
"That's what I want to talk to you about. Life isn't always fun and games. But you! You always have a joke, a prank or some practical joke to pull. You treat the boys like they are your best friends and when I discipline them, you undermine me. That's bad enough but you don't take us seriously. I have tried and tried to tell you I am unhappy and we need to try to work on us but you just laugh, make some wisecrack and walk away. Well, I can't live like this anymore, Duo. I need someone who is there for me. I need an adult. Life is not always fun and I need to be with somebody who knows this, someone who has grown up."  
  
I stood there in shock. He couldn't mean what he was saying. He told me loved me because I made him laugh and now that was why he was leaving me?  
  
"I will be gone in the morning and I am taking the boys with me. They need the steady influence of a stable adult. Here is where we will be staying until our new house is out of escrow. Duo? Duo?"  
  
Heero's calling my name snapped me out of whatever hell I had fallen into. He stood there with a scowl on his face. Typical Heero.  
  
"Yes?" My voice sounded normal. How was that possible? My world had just stopped spinning and I sounded normal.  
  
He handed me a small square of paper with an address written on it. It was Quatre and Trowa's place.   
  
"Last one to know, eh? You can leave me Heero, that's your choice. But Kai and Angelo stay here. I will not let you take them from me. YOU HEAR ME, MR. PERFECT? They leave here over my dead body."  
  
"If that's the way you want it, Duo."  
  
Heero's fist connected with the side of my head with the force of a jackhammer. I knew nothing until the next morning. He and the boys were already gone. Damn him! He didn't even let me say goodbye.  
  
~~  
End Flashback  
  
  
  
He didn't even let me kiss them goodbye. The bastard! They're my kids too. I love them as much as he does. They need me as much as they need him. .........I need them......him......all of them. God, how do I go on now? They were my life, my reason for living. Everything I did, I did for them. Now who do I do it all for? Me? Right, as if I mattered. I must have some fatal flaw that makes me drive away everyone I have ever cared for. Sure, everyone before Heero died, but he may as well have died. I can't imagine feeling any worse if he had. Maybe it would have been better if he had died. I would have my boys with me and I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge that he's out there somewhere and will find someone to replace me. NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
It's been 2 months now since Heero left me, taking the boys with him. It feels like years. I moved to a small two-room place in a rundown neighborhood downtown. After Trowa and Quatre took all the clothes, toys and mementos Heero sent them for, I sold everything that was left. I couldn't bear to look at any of it. My heart would break and I would spend hours crying, ranting and damning the man that had brought me so low. He's the man I see in the mirror every day.  
  
I have written Heero a letter every week since he left. He never answers me but I don't expect him to. I tell him how my life is, now that he's not here. How I sold our home and everything in it to set up a trust fund for Kai and Angelo. How after waking up one day not knowing where I was, how I got there or whose bed I was in and how that same day I kept an appointment with a psychiatrist to help me deal with feeling abandoned once again, anger I wouldn't let myself feel, the horrible ache in my chest when I thought of my little boys and the hardest part-the guilt that was choking the life out of me. How I had entered into a support group for people who can't commit to relationships.   
  
It helps, a little. Most of us are pathetic excuses for adults. All the others are straight and I haven't told them I'm gay. I don't think I could take the rejection. We sit around drinking watery coffee and tell each other we are better, that we are getting on with our lives. Maybe we are, I can't tell. I only know that every time I go to sleep I see my beautiful family and the wonderful life I used to have. Then I wake up to the dreary reality of being alone.   
  
The doctor told me that the reason I can't commit is because I feel like I don't deserve to be loved and that I am afraid I will be left again. So true. I just never let myself know. I don't lie to others but I lie to myself. ............  
  
~~~~  
  
Not anymore. I am taking the good doctor's advice and getting my life together so I can have something to offer. He says I will find someone else. I don't WANT anyone else. I want My Heero. I want my boys. I want my life back the way it used to be.  
  
The doctor also says I need to get on with my life. I am. Everything I do now is part of getting Heero to give me another chance. Heero was right, I see that now. I had lived behind my mask of laughter and frivolity for so long I couldn't live without it. Heero's leaving me and taking our sons was like a slap in the face, a jolt of cold water washing over me. So I live in the adult world now. I no longer laugh and sing. I no longer smile at the sunrise or run through the morning dew just because I can. I have more serious things to do, to think about and nothing to really be happy about.  
  
~~~~  
  
Wufei came by to visit yesterday. He told me he hardly recognized me. I don't know why. I still look the same. Wear the same clothes. Braid my hair the same way. He said I had lost my spark, my love for life.  
I spent the next 15 minutes telling him just what he could DO with his opinion.  
  
Surprise, surprise! He didn't try to kill me. He just sat there in the broken armchair and let me rant. I think I needed to let go of some of my anger and I think he knew it. Wufei asked me what I was doing with myself these days so I told him of my plans and how adult I am now. Don't know why I told him so much.  
  
He cursed Heero. Said he was gonna kill him for what he had done to me. I begged him not to; I told him I still love Heero. His eyes lost their dark sparkle for a moment. He promised to not kill Heero and then asked me if I needed anything. After I told him I was okay, he gave me a hug with a strange look in his eyes and took his leave of me. Very weird.  
  
TBC  
____________________________________________________________________________________  
  
I'm not too happy with the way parts of this turned out. Some of it seems forced and for good reason. It is. I guess I don't have what it takes to write a really good Heero-leaves-Duo fic. But I try and I will continue to try if you guys think it's worth it.  
  
So...... please let me know what you think. Tell me you hate it if you want to. Tell me if you like it even.  
Pleeeee~eeease? D-chan  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. The Best I Ever Had - Chapter Two

Best I Ever Had  
A Duo POV Fic  
  
Goddess! Sometimes I really hate my angst-ridden muse. But not now. ^_^ He's got me in a writing frenzy and it's kinda nice. Course I keep writing new stuff and the ongoing fics are languishing in my computer memory. ::sigh::   
I'm sure you know how that is.   
Anyway, back to the angst-filled world Duo lives in. Maybe after I finish this, I'll write a fluffy fic? Who knows?  
  
Standard Disclaimers apply  
  
Warnings: Yaoi, OOC, angst, and WAFF (?)   
  
Pairings: 1X2, 5X2  
  
Chapter 2  
  
So, I sit here thinking about how strange Wufei was acting earlier. Is it possible he has feelings for me? Romantic feelings?  
I think so. This cannot be happening to me. I can't deal with it. Chang in love with me? I can't think about that now. I have to get Heero back. That is my sole purpose in life. And I will make him mine again or die trying!  
  
Just got the mail. There's a letter from Heero. Computer generated of course. I'm too scared to open it. I can't read this alone. What if he, he ....... I can't even think it!  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Um, Wu-man? It's me, Duo."  
  
"Maxwell. Don't call me that."  
  
"Sorry. I, uh, never mind. I, sorry I bugged ya."  
  
"Maxwell... Duo, what do you want?"  
  
"N, nothing, Wufei. Forget about it."  
  
"Duo Maxwell! You don't call someone and then tell them to forget it. Now, what do you want?"  
  
"........ I, I got a letter from Heero today."  
  
"........."  
  
"Wufei? Did you hear me?"  
  
"Yes. Yes, I heard. So, what did he say?"  
  
"I don't know. I can't make myself read it. Can I come over and sit with you while I read it?"  
  
"........."  
  
"I know it's a lot to ask. But you are the only one I can ask. Heero's living with Quatre and Trowa and I don't have any other friends. Please?"  
  
"Alright, Duo. I'll be here."  
  
"Thanks, Wu-man! I owe you one."  
  
"Don't...call...me...that." Wufei muttered into a dead connection.  
  
If he only knew how it kills me to hear him even mention that, that bastard's name he would laugh in my face. And Gods of my ancestors! The way he's treating Duo. A dog gets treated better than that. Beautiful, delightful Duo deserves so much better than that. It's not my place to tell him and I will not force my attentions on him. He has enough going on, my confession of love would only make it all worse. That's the last thing I want to do.  
  
~~~~  
  
It's now been two weeks since I went to Wufei's. I never left. After my world dropped out from under me, I couldn't go back to my empty apartment and face being alone with the pain of knowing that all my efforts to get Heero back were in vain. Life has played a cruel joke on the old jokester himself. I let myself believe that if I changed he would welcome me back. I was such a fool! He said he loved me because I made him laugh and then he leaves me because I made him laugh. I was not the one who needed to change. He had already changed and wanted me to be someone I'm not and can never be. Well, no more! I will live my life just the way I always have and if someone wants me, they will have to take me as I am.   
  
Wufei has been so kind. I never would have thought he had in him. At least not for me. He hasn't pressured me to tell him anything I'm not ready to talk about. He's simply there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on, makes sure I eat, shower, sleep, keep my psychiatrist appointments and drives me to the support group meetings. I would be a wreck without his constant support. I showed Wufei the letter yesterday. He sat there for the longest time with it in his hand. Then he got up and hugged me with the gentlest embrace I have ever felt. He hasn't questioned my return to my old self. He tells me he is glad I can smile and laugh again. I have him to thank for that.   
  
Wufei lives in what used to be known as Taiwan. It's so different than anywhere I have ever lived. There are no constant reminders of my former life, nothing to trigger painful memories. I need this. I need the companionship. Yet I feel I am hiding from the truth, just like I used to do. I suppose I am. But, can you blame me? Heero so completely destroyed my life. His one and only communication with me was the final horrible act of our pitiful tragic life together.  
  
~~~  
  
Duo Maxwell  
Central Sector  
628 Bosca St. Apt. 3B  
Colony L1  
  
Duo,  
  
I write to let you know I have found someone new. He loves the boys and treats them and me as if we were something to be treasured. He makes me laugh and I haven't laughed in so long. He has a stable job and a home completely paid for. He has asked us to move in with him and I have told him yes.   
  
Please don't hate me, Duo. I do love you; I just can't live with you anymore. We had something wonderful and I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Someday we will look back on our time together and smile. I know it.   
  
Hiroshi told me he loves me and I think I could love him, given time. The boys adore him, Duo. They are happy here. They ask for you and I tell them you are away for a while and they will see you again. You will claim your visitation rights, won't you?  
  
I have included our new address so you can come see the boys when you get the chance. Please don't make it too long, they need to see you.  
  
I hope you will find someone who makes you as happy as I am.  
  
Heero  
  
~~~  
  
And so I begin a new chapter in my life. My life without Heero. I visit the boys when I can. That means when I can get the courage to face Heero and his new love. The sight of those strong arms wrapped around another's waist twists my heart in my chest. I can't breath and I turn to the ones who love me no matter what I did or didn't do. My children. We spend time in the formal gardens behind the mansion they live in now. We laugh and tumble together like we used to and for a while I can forget reality and pretend that nothing's changed.   
  
But my make believe world bursts like a soap bubble when I have to say goodbye to my little angels. I spend the entire flight back to earth crying into my hands. Luckily, Wufei lets me use his company's private shuttle so I don't need to embarrass myself. He is always there waiting for me at the terminal when I get back. No matter how busy he is, he makes time for me. He never complains I take him away from things he needs to be doing.   
  
Wufei is such a good friend. I didn't appreciate him when we were war buddies. He has so much depth. He's passionate about a great many things. He's serious about his martial arts studies and his business. He's a good listener. He's sat for hours while I rant about losing Heero, not being able to see the boys more often, and feeling as though I am stuck in the past. I can see he has feelings for me. But I am not ready to face them. I think he knows that. How the HELL did I get so lucky?  
  
Wufei has a lot of the same qualities that attracted me to Heero. But he has attributes that make him such a better man than Heero. He is not talkative like me and enjoys moments of quiet meditation, but he has a sense of humor that sneaks out every once in a while and catches me off guard. He can see the irony in things and isn't afraid to laugh, to show his feelings. I find myself attracted to him and wondering why I never noticed all the wonderful qualities of this reserved man.  
  
~~~~  
  
Two years have passed since I last posted an entry here. Sorry. A lot has happened to me. But I need to write down this latest miracle. But let me update what has happened to the others first. I'll save my surprise for last!   
  
Heero married Hiroshi. They still live on L1. The boys live with them. Hiroshi formally adopted them last year. God! That hurt. It took me six months to get over it. I know it was for the best. My angels need a good home and a happy family life. I still visit when I can. Usually Christmas and Easter. Heero is happy again and I am happy for him.  
  
Trowa and Quatre continue to manage the philanthropic endeavors of the Winner Corporation. They have no children yet, but you never know. I have forgiven them for the role they played in Heero's leaving me.  
  
As for me, well, I am getting on with my life. Finally. I have stopped hiding in the past and look forward to a bright future.  
A future without Heero and that's fine. I have accepted that we are over and the past can never be revisited. Not really. So I am about to take one of the biggest steps in my life.  
  
Fei and I are getting married tomorrow. I finally have someone who loves me. All of me. I smile like an idiot most of the time. I can't keep this wonderful feeling trapped inside me. I want everyone to know.   
  
All the guys with be there. My boys are the ring bearers. Sally is the best man. Howard is giving me away. Quatre is my matron of honor. Heero will be there with Hiroshi. I am ok with that. I can watch their love for each other and rejoice that I am equally blest.   
  
I guess God had a plan after all. If Heero had never left me, I would never have found my true soul mate. My dragon gives of himself so freely. I don't have to run and hide any more. I feel so free, so safe, so loved.  
  
Thank you, Heero.  
  
~~~~  
  
END  
  
Watchya think? Sucky ending or what? You know it's really hard to write angst when you don't feel it yourself anymore. Things are going a bit of alright for me now. And when I sat down to write this second chapter I found I didn't have the same focus for it I had before. Strange, huh?  
  
I'm not sure of the logical progression of this part. I have struggled with editing and rearranging sentences until I can't see straight! Let me know what you think of it. I tried to follow the lyrics of "Best I Ever Had" without actually putting them in the fic. I think it worked out ok. Tell if you don't agree, ok?   
  
Lyrics follow this.  
  
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)  
By Vertical Horizon  
  
So you sailed away  
Into a grey sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring  
  
Nothing's quite the same now  
I just say your name now  
  
Chorus  
But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
You don't want me back  
You're just the best I ever had  
  
So you stole my world  
Now I'm just a phony  
Remembering the (girl) boy  
Leaves me down and lonely  
  
Send it in a letter  
Make yourself feel better  
  
Chorus  
But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
You don't need me back  
You're only the best I ever had  
  
And it may take some time to  
Patch me up inside  
But I can't take it so I  
Run away and hide  
And I may find in time that  
You were always right  
You're always right  
  
So you sailed away  
Into a grey sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring  
  
What was it you wanted  
Could it be you're haunted  
  
Chorus  
But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
I don't want you back  
You're just the best I ever had  
The best I ever had  
The best I ever  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
